If you’ve ever been nailed in the shins by a pair of ill-meaning soccer cleats, you know that the pain is enough to bring a grown man to tears. Plus, the resulting wounds can be pretty unsightly. Shinguards have been around for a while, but they’ve essentially given stand-alone safety — until now. The Storelli BodyShield LegGuard ($40) fits over the “old guard” and holds it, replacing high soccer socks and making them an optional choice. High-performance XRD polyurethane foam with antimicrobial treatment ensures that you get protection from opponents’ kicks on the ankle and leg beyond the coverage of traditional shin guards and makes sure any unfortunate slide tackles don’t leave you with a nasty infection. We suggest select European players be fitted with these immediately to help their inherent sissy problems. If we want diving we’ll switch on the summer Olympics.

Buy Now: $40