We promised to leave no steak unturned during our month of beef, and we’re men of our word. As it happens, beef’s got a thespian side that The Academy repeatedly fails to acknowledge. Our budget for gold statues was blown on jerky and skillets, but that won’t stop us from proposing a new award category for Best Meat in a Supporting Role: who do you think our money’s on to win it all?
You’ll find our nominations for the 10 best beef movie scenes of all time after the break, plus a few honorable mentions for good measure. We don’t care which performance you cast your eventual vote on, just as long as you make sure some cut of beef is standing on the podium come January. Watch and yearn people.
10. Good Will Hunting: Burger Kiss
We’re slightly ashamed to say it, but who knew a burger-filled makeout session could be so sexy. Don’t worry beef; we guarantee Minnie Driver and her ghoulish laugh has absolutely nothing to do with it. You know we have eyes only for you in that fine cheese dress.
9. Dumb & Dumber: Hot Pepper Burger
It never hurts to peek beneath the bun before taking a bite. Who knows what unwanted surprises might be lurking. Just remember that if you plan on copycatting this crime, be sure to hide the burger weapon.
8. Rocky: Punching Meat
It’s common knowledge that protein intake is critical in any serious workout regimen. Rocky apparently just missed the bit about ingestion. Hey, at least he didn’t take the steroids right?
7. Poltergeist: Bad Beef
True horror is letting a good steak go to waste, but we’re not sure it’s worth tearing your face off over.
P.S. Don’t BBQ on Indian burial grounds.
6. The Matrix: Steak Escape
We’ve had some pretty deep thoughts about beef, but Cypher is the true meataphysical scholar. We know what we’d pick given the choice between absolute truth and a perfectly cooked ribeye.
5. Raging Bull: The Overcooked Steak
If you’re lucky enough to have a wife that will cook a steak for you from time to time, let Jake’s predicament be a lesson for you. Always cook it yourself.
4. Falling Down: The Sorry Miserable Squashed Thing
We’ve all experienced the letdown of false advertising at some point in our lives. Michael Douglas just happened to be a little on edge that day and packing a submachine gun. Food artists, you’ve been officially warned.
3. Pulp Fiction: The Tasty Burger
We can get behind eating cheeseburgers at breakfast and maybe ripping off a crime lord — but dating a vegetarian? We’d be angry too, Samuel L.
2. When Harry Met Sally: Orgasmic Pastrami
Hot Pastrami takes on a whole new meaning in this classic beef scene. We’re way ahead of you on asking the sandwich for pointers.
1. The Great Outdoors: The Ol’ 96er
John Candy and John Hughes, we miss you dearly. Ol’ 96er is by far the best bit of beef comedy out there, and like a true prime steak, it only gets better with age.
…and the Honorable mentions
Jurassic Park: Raptor Feeding
According to Steven Spielberg, genetically engineered amphibian dinosaur hybrids hold beef in equally high esteem as us — with an emphasis on high in this particular case. Don’t act like you haven’t had fantasies of having a steak craned over to your desk on those days you skipped lunch. We certainly have, just not that rare.
PCU: Burger Bombing
There’s no question that eating meat is a touchy subject and we respect all creeds. The more for us right? We know this is comedy, but seeing Piven take the term “ground beef” a little too literally still makes us wince.
America Beauty: Drive Through Cheating
Hollywood’s clearly got a thing for putting burgers in awkward situations. Take this as a friendly reminder to squash all marital beefs in the privacy of your own home.
Napolean Dynamite: Beef Toss
A slap o’ beef by a slab o’ beef. We wonder how many
steaks takes it took to get that toss just right.
Billy Madison: Extra Sloppy
Sloppy Joes had a bad enough rap as is before this doozy came out. That smokey, crackly voice yelling “extra shhhloppy!” just stays stuck in your head. Brand names like “Manwich” don’t make things any easier.
Menace II Society: Cheese Burger Barter Gone Terribly Wrong
It’s a terrible scene with a horrifying message, but everyone knows gritty, hard-nosed acting wins awards. Not comedy.