You don’t have to believe that the end of the Mayan calendar signifies the beginning of the end, you just have to go to your local theater and see how many apocalyptic movies are out. It’s like we want it to happen. Whatever the case, make sure your bug out bag is ready, have ample supplies available and prepare to go off the grid. But just as important, if not more so, is your transportation. No average wagon is going to save your bacon when the cataclysm makes it rain (fire) up in this club we call Earth. Window shop our five apocalypse-ready vehicles to your heart’s content, and start dreaming about what it feels like to turn a zombie into a speed bump. And don’t forget to bring those sharpened garden tools. You just might need ’em.
OTHER BADASS RIDES: The MRAP | Bond Cars | Bell Helicopters 525 Relentless
Patria XA-360 AMV
The Finnish “Armored Mobile Vehicle” makes Humvees look like wheeled toaster ovens. The 8×8 XA-360 isn’t just road candy — it can take hits like Balboa in the 15th round. We’re talking armored blast protection of up to 22 lbs of TNT. It can also fend off 30mm armor-piercing rounds, so you’re prepared for when the jealous (well-armed) masses lust after your ride. But it’s not all duck and pray. The XA-360 can be configured with heavy weaponry such as a 120mm mortar turret or a Mobile Gun System, and its eight massive wheels adjust independently via hydraulic suspension, so if you need to traverse a pile of burning cars to refuel at the last Costco in the area, you’ll be ready. Just hope you don’t have to inflate your tires with a hand pump.
Mercedes-Benz Zetros 6×6 Custom
If ever you needed to take a sizable portion of your possessions with you and not look back, the Mercedes-Benz Zetros 6×6 Custom should be your oversized apocalyptic transport of choice. Originally militarily purposed, the Zetros is as tough as they come. The 7.2-liter turbo diesel engine provides 326 horsepower; six-wheel drive and three locking differentials mean you can get out of some thick and sticky trouble fast. Most importantly, if communications are still up, you’ll be able to charge serious coin for access to the grid, since the Zetros has a satellite dish and a flatscreen. Plus, with creature comforts like a full bed, dining room for 8 and a bathroom with a heated floor, you won’t be lacking for the finer pleasures while cities burn.
Looking sincerely G.I. Joe-inspired, the Panhard CRAB (Combat Reconnaissance Armoured Buggy) is part mini-tank, part dune buggy and all awesome. French company Panhard plans to build the CRAB as a next-generation armored recon vehicle that can withstand ballistics and has a top speed of 70 mph. The CRAB can also be equipped with a 30mm gun turret, missiles and some sweet laser-guided rockets. Kinda makes you wanna buy one just for the drive to the office.
Conquest Vehicles Knight XV
Even though the Conquest Vehicles Evade is more than capable, we’d opt for its fully armored big brother, the Knight XV, when things really go downhill. The Knight possesses both luxury digs and half-track-like DNA due to its use of ballistic aluminum and glass, high strength steel, composites, aramid and ceramic that provide serious protection. Even the door hinges are reinforced and designed to not compromise armor strength. When the gas stations run dry, its huge 6.8-liter V10, bio-fuel guzzling engine will keep you from being left in the lurch. You might, however, opt to ditch the chrome wheels before you head out into the unknown. They make you look rich.
Organic Transit Elf
When all else fails, but you still have some sun and a reserve of leg power, the Organic Transit Elf may be your only way to get from Point Alpha to Point Zulu. Designed for the busy urban commuter who wants to save money and perhaps drop a few pounds, the Elf might just be the perfect rudimentary ride when cars go the way of the dodo. Charge the 480Wh lithium battery pack in the sun or plug it into an available power outlet, and you’ll get 30 miles without pedaling. Just pack (and eat) light: it only holds around 350 pounds. Oh, and look for routes that are mostly downhill so your hamstrings don’t explode.