The Skiing Issue
By Henry Phillips
on 1.23.14
Photo by H. Gustafsson

To Whom It May or May Not Concern,

There is a menace roaming these hallowed hills. A menace equal to the likes of any we’ve encountered so far in our quest for entertainment, our quest for stimulation, our quest for freedom. Our liberty is at threat, friends, and it is high time we stand and fight.

Ever since that infamous Muskegon, Michigan snow day some 49 years saw the debut of the “Snurfer”, the world has been burdened with those who choose to lash themselves to a single board and careen through our mountains like an errant shot from a misfired handgun.

It is today, my fellow skiers, that we must look deep within ourselves to rid this menace from our freshly driven slopes.

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There may be some of you who think I am overreacting, some of you who think I am a zealot. It is my intention with this letter to convince those of you who have remained blissfully ignorant of the snowboard’s destructive nature.

To wit, these are but a few of the compelling reasons to rid the Snowboard Menace from our slopes:

1
Excessively Baggy Clothing: Throughout history (save a brief period from 1996 to 1999) the gentleman has conducted both his business and his leisure in appropriately sized clothes, shunning excess fabric. The snowboarder has shirked these gentlemanly responsibilities in search of nonconformity and wanton disregard for society’s well being. We must not honor this behavior at our resorts.

2
Destruction of Snow Quality: Snowboards — by their very nature and physical construction — are destructive to our mountains. For 50 years we have seen the traditional snowboard turning style leaving nothing but scraped snow, flattened moguls and unpleasant experiences for those who follow. [REMOVE BEFORE SENDING: Find a way to ignore the similarity to telemark skiing's turning style.]

3
Confusing Lexicon: Being scholars and gentlemen alike, skiers are not versed in “snowboard slang” and cannot be expected to make reasoned decisions in the face of a manic snowboarder spouting balderdash about his “brahs” and “shreds”.

4
Negative Influence: The skiing mountain is not just a sanctuary for the adult. It is simply irresponsible to allow our malleable and impressionable children to be swayed and seduced by these lackadaisical, soft-boot-wearing, slang-spouting ninnies.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but hopefully it will convince you that we cannot sit idly by as our slopes are destroyed.

Alpine Valley has fallen, Aspen has fallen, Taos fell a mere six years ago. I must, of course, honor those resorts still protecting a skier’s right to enjoy himself without molestation. Deer Valley, famous for lulling its visitors into catatonia with an intoxicating cocktail of nuisance-free skiing and a continental breakfast featuring a variety of recently extinct animal omelettes. Alta, another Utah resort, has had great success staving off the snowboard menace — though less can be said for its propensity to attract the fairer sex. Finally, the last bastion of slopeside serenity east of the Mississippi would be found at Mad River Glen in Vermont…should anyone choose to ski there.

THREE. A scant three resorts in the entirety of this great nation have managed to preserve the alpine purity that our ancestors held so dear. It is clear that the snowboard is a trend that is sweeping the nation, but we must overcome this viral spread, lest our sport find itself crippled. We will not be manipulated, pressured or forced to succumb to the snowboard.

Give Me Uniformity or Give Me Summertime.

Sincerely,

Henry Phillips

President, Founder, and Sole Remaining Member,
Joint Association for Culling, Kvetching And Skiing Slopes