Assholeology: The Science of Getting Your Way – And Getting Away With It
Enlightenment, self-advancement, being the best darn man that you can be – these are the aspirations of Gear Patrol editors and readers alike. Part of advancing oneself is, of course, knowing where to get the information you need to grow in your game. Assholeology is one such invaluable resource.
Both hilarious and instructive, Assholeology lays out the variety of benefits available to a seasoned a**hole and, very aptly, differentiates him from his less-evolved cousin, the douchebag. Suffice it to say, no one likes that clown. This book will give any guy a new resolve to blend humor, wit, and confidence into a wicked cocktail handy for bending the world to his will.
Cost: $10
Hit the jump for our Q&A with coauthor Chris Illuminati, a damn fine a-hole in his own right.
Aside from imparting a**hole wisdom to the world via paperbacks, Chris is a regular contributor to some of our favorite sites on the web like AskMen, Asylum, The Bachelor Guy, and others. Take heed of his sagacity.
Gear Patrol: Your book offers an appendix entitled “The Asshole Guide to Imbibing”. It’s quite comprehensive. What’s your go-to cocktail and why?
Chris Illuminati: My personal go-to drink is the Vodka and Tonic. I know it’s probably the easiest drink to make and order besides the Shirley Temple but it’s simple, grown-up and after a couple it really doesn’t matter anymore. Of course, it’s all dependent on the vodka. A true asshole always orders his vodka by name: Grey Goose, Stoli, Ketel One or personal preference. Only a douche bag just says vodka and tonic.
Do you know what you get when you just say vodka? Bottle shelf liquor at top shelf prices. You should also get a punch in the Chicklets for not knowing that fact. It’s all about what your comfortable with. Nothing with fruit wedges, umbrellas or a cute name.
GP: What is your greatest asshole accomplishment, one that couldn’t have been achieved save for the skills you impart in the book?
CI: Well my greatest asshole accomplishment was coauthoring a book about being an asshole, but if we are getting specific I’ll go back to the first time I realized being an asshole could pay off. At one point I worked in a small office of mostly women; I was one of only two guys. Everyone was super nice EXCEPT for this one chick that made my life hell. It didn’t help she looked like a cross between a hobbit and another hobbit. She made life impossible because she was constantly dogging it and the work would fall into my lap. Christmas time rolled around and we all bought gifts for one another. I was kind of broke so I bought everyone packs of scratch-off lottery tickets. There was no way I was buying her any because I loathed her and god forbid she won money. I bought a pack for everyone except her. We all exchanged gifts and I gave her nothing. The boss found out and asked me what the deal was and I was dead honest about the whole situation. I never got her work again.
GP: Would you suggest that potential assholes specialize in one realm of ‘holedom (women, jobs, etc.) or try to become an asshole for all seasons?
CI: I say live the whole life. Why not test the limits? Even if you’re doing well at work, give some of the suggestions from the book a shot. The same goes for relationships, social life etc. Everyone could use some help in life. Even the people that look like they’ve got it all figured out. If there is one part of your life that is really obviously lacking, concentrate on that first. It all kind feeds off itself and you’ll find it working in all parts of life.
GP: Are you planning to train your kid in these hard-won ways, or will you apologize to him for having to put up with his a-hole old man?
CI: The big joke in my house is that when the kid gets old enough I’m not allowed to do career day. I won’t come right out and say “son, this is how to be an asshole” but I’ll sure as hell sit him down and explain some things to him so he can avoid some of the crap I went through as a kid. Train them young.
Thanks again to Chris, for offering us some personalized instruction. He truly exemplifies New Year’s Resolution #1 (bottom of this page).
