buy the car, live the lifestyle
10 of the Weirdest Branded Products Car Companies Sell Today
Automakers don’t just want to sell cars anymore. They want to engage us in holistic brand activations. As part of that effort, nearly every marque now has a “lifestyle collection,” including wardrobe lines, designer collaborations, and an assortment of branded items. We surveyed the field, curating a list of 10 odd (or oddly appropriate) items car companies will try to sell you on the Internet. Each, at the very least, should prove a guaranteed conversation starter.
AudiOpoly Board Game ($70)
Germans love their automotive-themed board games. Audi, for example, will sell you the “AudiOpoly” board game. “Pitstop” replaces jail, as no Audi owner would ever drive recklessly enough to end up there. Players buy cars instead of properties and receive both red flags and speeding tickets. No mention of whether there’s a “Chance” card that offers a check engine light that reveals nothing on a diagnostic test yet still requires a multi-thousand-dollar engine-out repair to sort out (with a dice roll to determine whether the light comes on again three days afterward).
Porsche GT3 Cup Spoiler Wall Shelf ($4,230)
Porsche buyers will never believe this, but the official Porsche store offers a wide array of mundane items at a substantial markup brought on for no discernible reason other than that it’s from Porsche. Can we tempt with you a $70 infant onesie? How about a $50 coffee thermos? What better stocking stuffer could there be than this $20 set of 911 paperclips? But the true Porsche aficionado requires something a bit more premium. For that special soul, Porsche offers this $4,230 GT3 Cup Spoiler wall shelf. You can now buy a four-figure Porsche option without buying the car.
Bentley Majestic Cashmere Fragrance ($225)
Bentley ownership is a sensual experience. Without the look of the opulent wood, the feel of the supple leather and the silence of the soundproofed interior, you would just be driving an Audi. Scent may be the most evocative of the five senses, however, and Bentley has its owners more than covered with no fewer than 12 different fragrance blends. The most “Bentley” of the fragrances may be the $225 bottle of “Majestic Cashmere” eau de parfum from the “Beyond the Collection” range, suitable for both men and women. “Exotic Musk” sounded a bit too much like a fragrance Tesla should release.
Mercedes Benz Lifesize Nico Rosberg Wall Decal ($76)
Mercedes owners tend to be sensible folk, and the company offers them a wide assortment of baseball caps and other reasonably priced gear. (We’re partial to the standard, AMG, and Maybach belts with price levels corresponding to the vehicles.) But this $76 lifesize Nico Rosberg wall decal is a true gem — one that, incredibly, has not sold out since his retirement after winning the 2016 F1 championship. Now, every F1 fan can fulfill his or her dream of a lifesize Rosberg staring intently at them while they eat, sleep or perform ablutions.
Lamborghini Carbon Fiber Bynomio Hold Suitcase ($17,388)
If Lamborghini knows one thing about its customers, it’s that they will pay a silly amount of money for functional items made out of carbon fiber. Behold the Carbon Fiber Lamborghini Bynomio Hold Suitcase Maxi, available for a totally reasonable $17,388 plus shipping and handling. This collaboration with TecknoMonster is made in Italy with “carbon fiber cured in the autoclave, fully-machined aluminum and high-grade hides.” Your complete range of Lamborghini Spring/Summer 2019 Collection clothing deserves to be transported in nothing less.
Silver Scuderia Ferrari Keyring With Shield ($320)
Gear is essential for the Ferrari brand. Very few can plunk down enough change for an 812 Superfast, but almost everyone in Italy or abroad can identify with Ferrari through a T-shirt or keychain. How, then, does the true Ferrari enthusiast distinguish him or herself from the masses? A much fancier keychain. The Silver Scuderia Ferrari Keyring with Shield retails for $320. It is made from “925 rhodium plated silver with carbon fiber.” It employs what Ferrari describes as a “complex and sophisticated manufacturing process.” And to show up those skeptics who won’t believe you spent $320 on a Ferrari keyring, it comes with a certificate of authenticity to prove to them you did just that.
Pininfarina Codex 500TH Limited ($811)
Dan Brown’s bestselling novel “The Da Vinci Code” was all the rage in the early 2000s. Pininfarina presents an homage to that storied Italian heritage with the $811 Codex 500TH Limited. It’s an aluminum-bodied coffer with walnut inserts for holding your Pininfarina Cambiano Stylus, which also has walnut inserts. It’s meant to resemble the Leonardo “cryptex” found in the novel. Pininfarina says the codex will give your design desk “an elegant and mysterious character,” and few would quibble with Pininfarina about design.
FCA Men’s L/S Epic Easy Care Mini Herringbone Shirt ($69)
Display your corporate fandom (and next-level normcore sensibility) with the FCA Men’s Epic Easy Care Mini Herringbone shirt. It’s a versatile look that transitions seamlessly from FCA office to FCA corporate off-site event. It comes in distinctive blue and charcoal colors. Bold fashionistos may pair the shirt with the fetching FCA men’s V-neck for a daring look. If you’re wondering whether it’s the shirt’s impression or the ease of care that’s supposed to be “epic,” well, so are we.
Dodge Challenger SRT Demon Remote Control Car ($700)
The Dodge Challenger SRT Demon celebrates excess. It’s hard to find a more excessive automotive accessory to pair with it than this $700 Challenger SRT Demon remote control car from Kyosho. The RC Demon is tuned for a top speed eclipsing 40 mph and has a 150-cc fuel tank for its RC-specific fuel blend. It’s safe to assume those peacocking 10-year-olds down the block won’t know what hit them.
Tesla Zero Emissions (Almost) Onesie ($25)
What do you get your self-actualized friend who has both eliminated his or her direct transportation carbon emissions by buying a Tesla and successfully procreated? How about this Tesla Zero Emissions (Almost) Onesie. (Get it?) The beauty for the new Tesla-owning parent is in the non-zero chance Elon Musk either came up with this joke himself, or at least chuckled heartily as a Tesla marketing employee channeled his renowned sense of humor with uncanny perfection.
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